Successful Parenting with Love and Limits

What are limits and consequences? 

When referring to limits we are talking about the behaviors and actions of your child that are appropriate.  For example, if your child was helping you grocery shop and staying next to the cart then they would be following your limits.  If your child was screaming in the store and pulling everything off the shelves then that behavior would not be within your limits. 

The thing that you have to make sure you do though is discuss with your child what the limits are.  You can't expect a child to just know something if you don't teach them first.  Sit down with your children on a regular basis to discuss their behavior.  This involves what they are doing well as well as what they need to improve in.  Ask them what kind of behavior they would like to see from you as well.  You will be surprised to hear what your children might say if you just ask them.  

Consequences refers to the something that is a result of a certain behavior or attitude.  These can be both positive or negative.  The thing to remember is that you want the consequence to be in the same category or level of the behavior.  Disciplining to harshly will make the child feel bad about themselves and want help them learn from their action.  A consequence that is to light, will also not teach the child that their behavior is inappropriate.  You have to find a balance.  

Why are limits important? 

In Successful Marriages and Families Hawkins says, "just as the rod  is used to gently nudge sheep away from dangerous places, setting limits around potentially harmful influences (for example, inappropriate media and early dating) helps children feel sager and more secure.  Keeping our children safe and out of harms way is one of the greatest responsibilities of parents.  By setting limits effectively we can help them stay safe and know that they are loved.  Setting limits needs to be combined with empathy.  You don't want to bully or coerce your child into doing what you want.  You instead should correct their behavior in a loving manner.  

Limits and consequences provide the necessary structure that children need in their lives in order to develop properly into adults.  Limits teach children self-control and that they are responsible for their own actions.  

What can I do to improve setting limits and following through with consequences? 

First, you need to have the ability to tell your child 'No', and explain why.  Simply saying no, will often just get you a million questions about why not.  Communicate clearly the first time so that there is no misunderstandings.  

Second, prepare your child ahead of time.  If you know that you are going to go to the grocery store in the middle of snack time, bring something for them to munch on.  Explain to them that we aren't getting any snacks to eat right than, but they can bring something from home.    

Third, when you need to correct your child don't be intimidating.  Hovering over them, shouting, or making threatening gestures is counterproductive to teaching them.  It helps to get down to their level and to look at them in the eye.  Watch your facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice.  

Personal Application 

As a new mom everything is a learning experience for me.  I have learned that there is a find line in which you can set limits for a baby.  The most important thing that an infant can get is love from their parents.  Displaying love to your child is how they develop a good attachment with their parent, which will benefit them in all other areas of their lives as they mature.  When dealing with an infant I have learned that you have to remember that they don't really know anything.  It's your responsibility to gently teach them.  For example, our daughter really likes outlets.  It's not safe for her to play with them though, even with a cover on.  So when she goes over to the outlet I look at her and say no.  Sometimes she listens, but other times I need to go and pick her up and give her another toy to play with.  Even though she is only 10 months old I can still set limits for her.

I really believe that children need limits and consequences.  However, it's important that we don't look at consequences as simply a form of punishment.  I want to show my children that consequences can be positive.  Say you call your child in to ask them to set the table for dinner.  After they have done it make sure that you acknowledge how great they did and how much you appreciate it and their good attitude.  Making this a frequent part of your routine will not only show your children how much they are valued and worth, but it will also encourage to make the right choices as they get older.  

I have noticed as my short time as a mom that it's really important to parameters of what kind of behavior is appropriate and inappropriate.  This means that we need to correct in the negative behavior and praise and reward the positive behavior. 

Scripture Reference  

D&C 121:41-43

41  No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

42  By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

43  Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.

I don't think that there is a better verse in any of the scriptures to describe how we should parent our children.  There have been many studies that have addressed that the best form of parenting style is authoritative.  This means that we have expectations of our children and clear guidelines.  There are also consequences for all actions.  However, authoritative parents find a balance when disciplining their children with being firm and nurturing.  

As parents we have a sacred responsibility to not only love our children, but to teach them and guide them.  Their is no other institution that can take place of what parents can provide for their children's emotional and mental needs.  Children are like flowers; they thrive in light, happiness, and a positive environment.  If they are surrounded by darkness or anger they will not flourish and their self-esteem will wilt.      

Sources

• Setting Limits & Standing Firm
• Love, Limits, & Empathy
• Parenting with Love and Logical Consequences
• Parents Have a Sacred Duty
• How to Set Effective Limits for Your Child
• Successful Marriages and Families (Ch. 10)- Hawkins 

The Value of Mothers

Brynlee and I- July 2012

Why are mothers important? 

Let me start off by saying that nothing I write, can answer this question to the level that it deserves.  You simply can't understand the importance of motherhood until you have a child of your own.  This may be blunt, but it's true.  You can come to a better understanding of motherhood by recognizing the sacrifice and love that your own mother has for you.  Take a moment to think about the top five reasons you love your mother.  You got them?  Okay, now that a moment to think about the 10 reasons your mother loves you.  Women have innate characteristics that allow us to be exceedingly loving and nurturing towards children.  While these characteristics are things that you are born with, they don't always show right away.  Skills such as teaching, listening, disciplining, and patience aren't developed over time.  This is why mothers are so important!  I will say this probably a dozen times throughout this post, but there is no job where we give more of ourselves then motherhood.  Mothers bring joy, life, love, discipline, and structure to a household in a different way then fathers.  

How can I be a better mother? 

This is another hard question to answer- no matter how awesome of a momma you may be, there is always room for improvement.  Remember though that nobody is perfect, "motherhood is the ideal opportunity for lifelong learning".  We learn from our success and our failures.  Don't beat yourself up if you don't have the best brownies at the bake sale, or aren't able to enroll your child in gymnastics, Italian lessons, and piano all at one time.  

Start with small goals.  First, go through a week and write down areas of improvement that come to your mind maybe things like patience, discipline, playing together, story time, outside fun, and scripture study/prayer.  Once you have a list just pick one item that you want to work on for next week.  Second, make an action plan for what you want to accomplish.  So, if your goal is to improve your family scripture study and prayer start by making a set time and place where this will happen.  Make a small poster and put in on your fridge.  You could even make a chart that will say the scripture that you will be studying.  This allows for children who are old enough to search it out for themselves prepare to the family study.  After you have completed a week of this goal evaluate how you have done; where did you improve and what still needs to be fine tuned.  Then go back to your original list and pick a second one.  Now, here's the tricky part.  Even though you are starting a new goal, you still need to be working on the previous one's.  This get's easier with time.   Let's be honest, one week isn't going to get anyone into the habit of anything!  

Personal Application 

Before I had Brynlee I don't think I could comprehend the love that I could have for my children.  Of course I thought I would love them unconditionally, but I don't think I realized the magnitude of that love and how it would change me as an individual.

One thing that struck me as being really important throughout this week was understanding the fact that even though I love Brynlee with every part of my heart there is someone who loves her even more than me; Heavenly Father.  God has entrusted me to take care, love, and teach His precious child.  How great of an responsibility is that!  There isn't a better or more important job that I can do then be a great mother to my daughter and example to my children.  During our group discussion it was mentioned that when we have children we are making a covenant, or promise, to the Lord that we would raise them in accordance with His commandments.  Through modern day revelation we have been blessed with specific counsel to the rearing of children and the running of our families.  Please take a moment to read The Family: A Proclamation to the World and gain a better understanding of the blessings of family life, as well as what we can do to be better husbands, wives, mothers, and fathers.  

I'm not going to sugar-coat it; motherhood can be hard.  It is the hardest and most rewarding thing that I have ever done in my life.  I can only imagine how much more fun it will be (along with the trials) as we add more little spirits to our family.  I thank Heavenly Father everyday for allowing me to raise this sweet baby and for providing us with guidance in areas in which we can improve.  

Lastly, I would like to take a moment to touch on a phrase that has bothered me- "I'm just a mom".  When people ask what I do I will always proudly say that I am a mother.  That is my first and foremost job on this earth.  No material success can take the place of a happy home where there is guidance, love, and respect.  Let's all try to develop a better sense of worth in our motherhood.  For those of you who aren't yet mothers, take a moment to evaluate where you are in life and what your goals our.  You can't ever be completely prepare for parenthood, but you can begin yourself spiritually, physically, and emotional to one day be a mother.  

Scripture Reference

Alma 57:21

Yea, and they did obey and observe to perform every word of command with exactness; yea, and even according to their faith it was done unto them; and I did remember the words which they said unto me that their mothers had taught them.

The value of motherhood is beyond measurable.  Think about it, for every great president, scientist, teacher, humanitarian, and mother, there is a mother who stood beside them to support them.  The impact that mother's have on their children can be either an uplifting or devastating one.  The power of our actions, words, and even thoughts impact the lives of our children.  They look at us everyday of their lives while they are growing up and see the things we do and the words we say.  We can either us our influence for good or for bad.  We need to be mindful of the things that we say, even when we think that our children aren't listening.  The influence of a loving and nurturing mother can break down barriers to communication, heal broken hearts, and unite families forever.  

Sources

• "Today's Family: The Eternal Role of Mothers"
• "The Importance of Motherhood Among Women in the Contemporary United States"
• "Successful Marriage and Families" (Ch. 2)- Hawkins
• "The Sacred Responsibilities of Parenthood"
• Dr. Laura's "In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms"
• "Your Greatest Challenge"- President Hinckley

The Importance of Dating and Choosing Your Spouse

Picture from our first date (left) and our wedding day (right) 

Let's talk about dating!  This is something that (mostly) everyone loves to do.  It's important though that while you are dating you keep your standards high.

Why should we date?

Dating is beneficial for a variety of reasons.  First and foremost you will never find your eternal companion (your spouse) if you don't even date them.  Another benefit of dating is that you meet new people and even get to know yourself better.  By casually dating people you learn what you like in a partner and what you don't.  It's okay to shop around for qualities that you like.  However, this doesn't happen if you are simply hanging out.  If your hanging out, your friends not dating.  It's as simple as that.  Dating involves plans.  This is another benefit of dating, have fun with someone and even developing new interests.  Dating should be a fun experience!  

How can I prepare to date someone?

It's important to understand that there are qualities that you should want in spouse that should be evident when you are dating them.  Such things as a positive attitude, confidence, a smile, clean language, respect, testimony, and a well kept appearance are important characteristics to see in someone who you are dating.  That being said, don't expect to date anyone that has these characteristics that you don't!  You need to prepare yourself to be a quality person to date.  If you want someone with a strong testimony, then get on your knees and find one yourself.  If you want someone who takes care of their body, then you need to hit the gym as well.  

What is some of the best advice about dating from modern day prophets and apostles? 

• President Monson- "I would admonish you to maintain an eternal perspective. Make certain that the marriage in your future is a temple marriage. There is no scene so sweet, no time so sacred as that very special day of your marriage. Then and there you glimpse celestial joy. Be alert; do not permit temptation to rob you of this blessing".
• President Packer- "How foolish is the youth who feels that the Church is a fence around love to keep him out. Oh, youth, if you could know! The requirements of the Church are the highway to love and to happiness, with guardrails securely in place, with guideposts plainly marked, and with help along the way.  How unfortunate to resent counsel and restraint. How fortunate are you who follow the standards of the Church, even if just from sheer obedience or habit. You will find a rapture and a joy fulfilled".
• President Monson- "Be careful to go to places where there is a good environment, where you won’t be faced with temptation...Because sexual intimacy is so sacred, the Lord requires self-control and purity before marriage, as well as full fidelity after marriage. In dating, treat your date with respect, and expect your date to show that same respect for you".
• President Hinckley- "It is better, my friends, to date a variety of companions until you are ready to marry. Have a wonderful time, but stay away from familiarity. Keep your hands to yourself. It may not be easy, but it is possible". 
• President Oaks- "Simple and more frequent dates allow both men and women to ‘shop around’ in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects. The old-fashioned date was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. It encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship. None of that happens in hanging out". 

We're married now, so do I even need to date? 

Dating is not strictly for people who aren't married yet.  In order keep the light burning in your marriage and not let that flame dim out you need to take time to date your spouse.  I understand that people work, go to school, and have children, but I admittedly believe that these are not valid excuses to neglect dating in your marriage.  Plan out your date nights in advance so that there are no distractions.  Always (and this is a big one), DON'T DO THE SAME THING EVERY DATE.  This is a really common mistake that couples make, and I have to admit that have struggled with this one.  It's comfortable to go to dinner and a movie, but you need to try and see new things with your spouse.  To avoid getting stuck in a rut look for things in your community that are happening such as plays,concerts, or even...a marathon!      

Personal Application 

Our Timeline

• Ben and I met in January of 2009 through a mutual friend.    

• We were just friends for a few months and then the stars finally aligned and we starting dating in March 2009.

• We got engaged and in July 2009 at the Salt Lake City LDS temple.

• Married in April 2010 in the Salt Lake City LDS temple. 

As you can see we moved pretty fast! While we were dating and engaged we really utilized our time together to get to know each other better.  We tried very hard to actively go on dates and to not simply hang out.  When I look back on it though, I realize know that we should have tried harder.  By having planned activities you are ensuring yourself that you will be doing something which can help you avoid getting into bad situations.

We've also learned through our almost three years of marriage that you need to continue dating each other.  Having these planned dates allows you to focus on just each other and tend to your partners needs.  As we've had a baby I can tell you that dating your spouse is extremely hard in the beginning.  With lack of energy, lack of sleep, and um...lack of showers (sometimes), it's easy to put dating on the back burner and simply try to survive.  In order to nurture your marriage you have to show your spouse that you care about them.  Finding a trusted babysitter and taking a couple of hours for yourself will greatly improve your communication with each other and strengthen your love for one another.  

Me and Ben sat down and talked about some of our favorite dates we went on when we were dating:

• Swing dancing 

• School sponsored dances

• Dessert contests  

• Clay pigeon shooting 

• Going to the temple together 

• Concerts

• Bike rides 

• Ultimate frizbee 

Our favorite dates after we got married:

• Cross country skiing

• Exploring Jackson Hole, WY

• Going to the temple together 

• Working out together 

• Cheap dinner and movie dates 

• Museums 

• Aquariums  

Scripture Reference 

D&C 87:8

Wherefore, stand ye in holy places, and be not moved, until the day of the Lord come; for behold, it cometh quickly, saith the Lord. Amen.

You probably asking yourself: What does this scripture have to do with dating and finding my eternal companion?  Well, the answer is everything!  While you are dating you no doubt will face decisions that you have to make that will affect your future.  Choosing to engage in sexual intimacy before you are married can be devastating to your relationship and also your relationship with God.  In the LDS church we have been commanded to obey the law of chastity.  This means that you will not engage in sexual activity before you are married.  By committing to standing in holy places and keeping yourself pure from sin you are keeping the covenants that you have made at baptism.  Even if you aren't LDS, abstaining from these inappropriate relationships is beneficial to your relationship.  It shows that you are committed to your standards, faith, and personal convictions.  When you are dating avoid putting yourself in situations or an environment in which it could be possible to compromise your standards.  

My Sources

• "Dating Versus Hanging Out"- Elder Oaks
• "Successful Marriages and Families" (Ch. 2)- Hawkins
• Dating Your Spouse Is Important
• A Survey of Dating and Marriage at BYU  
• Dating Advice from Prophets and Apostles
• What Makes a Person Datable?

Family Councils: A Heavenly Patter

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One thing that my family never did growing up was holding a family meeting.  I'd like to think that if we had done this a lot of problems and issues would have been avoided.  This is something that my husband and I want to get better at doing and make it a regular habit.  Here's some information about holding your own family meeting.

Why should we have one? 
Each family member has responsibilities and roles in the house.  No one job is more important than the other.  In The Family: A Proclamation to the World it says, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners".  There are two aspects I would like to speak about.
First, father are to "preside over their families in love and righteousness".  This doesn't mean that they are the one's who make all of the decisions.  Having a family counsel allows both husband and wife to discuss how they are both making decisions together.  It is also a great way of coming to an agreement on issues that need to be discussed. 
Second, "father and mother are obligated to help one another as equal partners".  In Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins says that "equality is all too often used to mean "identity; that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other".  Husbands and wives should be equal in their responsibilities even though their responsibilities are different.  Understanding each other's roles and responsibilities both outside and inside the home are things that should be discussed in a family counsel.  
So many disagreements and arguments occur because there are so many miscommunications over each others responsibilities.  Sitting down and discussing what is expect of each other and how to help and support one another is an important part of family counsels.   

When should we have it? 

• Ideally once a week 
• Find a set time and day that works best for everyone in your family and stick to it.  
• Have it enough that it is means something, but not to much that it looses it's importance.  Find the balance.
• Try to keep the meeting around 30 minutes for young kids.  If you need more time that's okay.  This time will vary with the age of the individuals participating and the things that need to be discussed.  

How should we start the meeting? 

• Begin with a prayer and a short scripture.  This will invite the Spirit into your discussion.  Make Heavenly Father apart of your routine to start off on the right foot.
• Go around and have each person share a positive thing about each family member.  This may take some time, but it is worth it!  Taking the time to show your appreciation will put people in good spirits, and be remembered throughout the council.
• Review your family mission statement.  This should be a short paragraph of what your family goals and purpose is.  

What should we do during the meeting? 

•   Each member of the family will be given two goals.  One physical goal- such as completing chores and one personal goal- such as attitude.  They will share how they plan to succeed.  The other members of the family should hold that person accountable for their goals and encourage them to succeed.  This doesn't mean policing someone's every move, but rather checking up on them and seeing how they are doing and what they need help with. 
• Go over the responsibilities of each member of the family.  If you have a rewards system make sure that this is addressed as well.  
• Take time to allow every family member to express any issue that might be bother them.  Discuss it together what can be done.  This sometimes can cause a little friction so make sure that one person speaks at a time and that there is open communication.
• At the end of every meeting each family member will address how they did with their weekly goals.  Were did they succeed and where do they need improvement.  

How should we end the meeting? 

• End on a positive note!  Either a funny story, joke, or our favorite a YouTube clip.  
• Close with a prayer asking for help in areas and acknowledging blessings.  

Personal Application:

·         One thing that I thought was really helpful is that we planned to have this council.  It was just at the drop of the hat, rather both of us had a day to think about things that we might want to discuss.  This allowed us to focus on the important things, and not just meaningless disagreements. 

·         Another thing that I liked was how all family members should participate.  We only have one little girl who is almost 10 months, but she was right there with us.  It actually kind of lightened the mood a little bit and kept us in a positive attitude.  Lastly, I really liked how it was an open conversation and both of us were able to express our thoughts.  We were discussing whether or not we should move to a cheaper apartment when our contract was up.  My husband doesn't want to move, and I do.  After this council we decided that we still have plenty of time to discuss the matter before we have to make up our minds and we will just continue to pray about it and know when the time is right. 

·         Even though we didn't really come up with an answer to our decision, it helped us both get on the same page of where the other person was coming from.  Discussing this in a formal setting gave us a greater appreciation for each other and allowed us to recognize that we really do value the other person’s opinions and thoughts.  

Scripture Reference: 

D&C 88:119-120

Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;

That your incomings may be in the name of the Lord; that your outgoings may be in the name of the Lord; that all your salutations may be in the name of the Lord, with uplifted hands unto the Most High.

The principles in this verse are a lot easier said then done!  However, when we have our affairs in order at our home our life will run more smoothly.  This doesn't mean that we won't have stress or problems at times, but rather the family has built up a strong defense against them.  By setting goals together as a family and making your home a sacred  shelter you are creating a place in which the Spirit can reside.  

My Sources: 

• Family Councils: A Heavenly Pattern
• How to Hold a Family Council
• Family Meetings Tutorial Video