The Importance of Dating and Choosing Your Spouse

Picture from our first date (left) and our wedding day (right) 

Let's talk about dating!  This is something that (mostly) everyone loves to do.  It's important though that while you are dating you keep your standards high.

Why should we date?

Dating is beneficial for a variety of reasons.  First and foremost you will never find your eternal companion (your spouse) if you don't even date them.  Another benefit of dating is that you meet new people and even get to know yourself better.  By casually dating people you learn what you like in a partner and what you don't.  It's okay to shop around for qualities that you like.  However, this doesn't happen if you are simply hanging out.  If your hanging out, your friends not dating.  It's as simple as that.  Dating involves plans.  This is another benefit of dating, have fun with someone and even developing new interests.  Dating should be a fun experience!  

How can I prepare to date someone?

It's important to understand that there are qualities that you should want in spouse that should be evident when you are dating them.  Such things as a positive attitude, confidence, a smile, clean language, respect, testimony, and a well kept appearance are important characteristics to see in someone who you are dating.  That being said, don't expect to date anyone that has these characteristics that you don't!  You need to prepare yourself to be a quality person to date.  If you want someone with a strong testimony, then get on your knees and find one yourself.  If you want someone who takes care of their body, then you need to hit the gym as well.  

What is some of the best advice about dating from modern day prophets and apostles? 

• President Monson- "I would admonish you to maintain an eternal perspective. Make certain that the marriage in your future is a temple marriage. There is no scene so sweet, no time so sacred as that very special day of your marriage. Then and there you glimpse celestial joy. Be alert; do not permit temptation to rob you of this blessing".
• President Packer- "How foolish is the youth who feels that the Church is a fence around love to keep him out. Oh, youth, if you could know! The requirements of the Church are the highway to love and to happiness, with guardrails securely in place, with guideposts plainly marked, and with help along the way.  How unfortunate to resent counsel and restraint. How fortunate are you who follow the standards of the Church, even if just from sheer obedience or habit. You will find a rapture and a joy fulfilled".
• President Monson- "Be careful to go to places where there is a good environment, where you won’t be faced with temptation...Because sexual intimacy is so sacred, the Lord requires self-control and purity before marriage, as well as full fidelity after marriage. In dating, treat your date with respect, and expect your date to show that same respect for you".
• President Hinckley- "It is better, my friends, to date a variety of companions until you are ready to marry. Have a wonderful time, but stay away from familiarity. Keep your hands to yourself. It may not be easy, but it is possible". 
• President Oaks- "Simple and more frequent dates allow both men and women to ‘shop around’ in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects. The old-fashioned date was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. It encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship. None of that happens in hanging out". 

We're married now, so do I even need to date? 

Dating is not strictly for people who aren't married yet.  In order keep the light burning in your marriage and not let that flame dim out you need to take time to date your spouse.  I understand that people work, go to school, and have children, but I admittedly believe that these are not valid excuses to neglect dating in your marriage.  Plan out your date nights in advance so that there are no distractions.  Always (and this is a big one), DON'T DO THE SAME THING EVERY DATE.  This is a really common mistake that couples make, and I have to admit that have struggled with this one.  It's comfortable to go to dinner and a movie, but you need to try and see new things with your spouse.  To avoid getting stuck in a rut look for things in your community that are happening such as plays,concerts, or even...a marathon!      

Personal Application 

Our Timeline

• Ben and I met in January of 2009 through a mutual friend.    

• We were just friends for a few months and then the stars finally aligned and we starting dating in March 2009.

• We got engaged and in July 2009 at the Salt Lake City LDS temple.

• Married in April 2010 in the Salt Lake City LDS temple. 

As you can see we moved pretty fast! While we were dating and engaged we really utilized our time together to get to know each other better.  We tried very hard to actively go on dates and to not simply hang out.  When I look back on it though, I realize know that we should have tried harder.  By having planned activities you are ensuring yourself that you will be doing something which can help you avoid getting into bad situations.

We've also learned through our almost three years of marriage that you need to continue dating each other.  Having these planned dates allows you to focus on just each other and tend to your partners needs.  As we've had a baby I can tell you that dating your spouse is extremely hard in the beginning.  With lack of energy, lack of sleep, and um...lack of showers (sometimes), it's easy to put dating on the back burner and simply try to survive.  In order to nurture your marriage you have to show your spouse that you care about them.  Finding a trusted babysitter and taking a couple of hours for yourself will greatly improve your communication with each other and strengthen your love for one another.  

Me and Ben sat down and talked about some of our favorite dates we went on when we were dating:

• Swing dancing 

• School sponsored dances

• Dessert contests  

• Clay pigeon shooting 

• Going to the temple together 

• Concerts

• Bike rides 

• Ultimate frizbee 

Our favorite dates after we got married:

• Cross country skiing

• Exploring Jackson Hole, WY

• Going to the temple together 

• Working out together 

• Cheap dinner and movie dates 

• Museums 

• Aquariums  

Scripture Reference 

D&C 87:8

Wherefore, stand ye in holy places, and be not moved, until the day of the Lord come; for behold, it cometh quickly, saith the Lord. Amen.

You probably asking yourself: What does this scripture have to do with dating and finding my eternal companion?  Well, the answer is everything!  While you are dating you no doubt will face decisions that you have to make that will affect your future.  Choosing to engage in sexual intimacy before you are married can be devastating to your relationship and also your relationship with God.  In the LDS church we have been commanded to obey the law of chastity.  This means that you will not engage in sexual activity before you are married.  By committing to standing in holy places and keeping yourself pure from sin you are keeping the covenants that you have made at baptism.  Even if you aren't LDS, abstaining from these inappropriate relationships is beneficial to your relationship.  It shows that you are committed to your standards, faith, and personal convictions.  When you are dating avoid putting yourself in situations or an environment in which it could be possible to compromise your standards.  

My Sources

• "Dating Versus Hanging Out"- Elder Oaks
• "Successful Marriages and Families" (Ch. 2)- Hawkins
• Dating Your Spouse Is Important
• A Survey of Dating and Marriage at BYU  
• Dating Advice from Prophets and Apostles
• What Makes a Person Datable?