Building Better Ties with Your Family

Why are wholesome recreational activities important to families? 

Wholesome recreational activities bring families together in more ways than we can even imagine.  Doing simple tasks together such as shoveling the snow, raking leaves, or going to play paintball all helps families to not only spend time together but to do productive or fun things as well.  Doing fun activities together as a family helps to bring joy and happiness into their lives.  We all have busy lives and sometimes there is a lot of stress but spending time actually doing something that they enjoy helps to relieve some of the daily stress.  There are two types of activities that families can do together, core and balance.  Core activities require little planning such a raking the leaves or watching a movie.  Balance activities require more planning such as going  hiking or on a family vacation.  Each are important to the happiness within the family unit.  Finding a balance between spending time together doing a planned activity and simple spending time together at home helps to create harmony within the family.  From realfamiliesrealanswer.org it says, Ramon Zabriskie, a family leisure researcher at Brigham Young University, found that sharing leisure time improves family cohesion and adaptability. Cohesion refers to the level of emotional closeness in a family, while adaptability refers to a family’s ability to handle everyday and unexpected stresses and strains".  

What are the benefits of family work? 

You can't spend all of your time together as a family simply doing fun activities together.  Life requires work and so does a family and a household.  It hurts children more to simply do everything for them; they don't learn any responsibilities.  Involving children in household chores when they are young starts them off on the right foot.  Everyone should be helping to make sure that the household runs smoothly, the yard is maintained, and that the home is tidy.  It may seem like it takes more effort to do chores with children because you have to teach them, but over time they will learn how to properly and efficiently complete household tasks.  Participating in chores with your children helps them to feel apart of the family and allows you to share with them how much they help.  

Personal Application 

One thing that I've been trying really hard to do is find a balance between doing my school work and spending time with Brynlee.  I have had a few experiences when I have been doing my homework last minute and there she is pulling at my leg with those big old puppy dog eyes.  It just about broke my heart!  I'm been really smart with my time though and that is one thing that I can be really proud of.  I play with her when she wakes up and as soon as she goes down for her first nap I clean up really fast and then hop in the shower.  By the time I am done I usually have around 2 hours to get homework done before she wakes up.  I typically do this 3 times a day; whenever she naps.  I have found that if I don't squander away my time and I use it wisely I am able to spend almost all of her time awake either playing with her, cashing her around the house, reading, taking walks, or having dance parties.  I'm really grateful that I am able to spend all of this time with her because she just grows up so fast.  

Resources

"A Wise Investment: Benefits from Families Spending Time Together"

"Using Wholesome Activities to Strengthen Families"

"The Importance of Chores"

"Involving Children in Household Tasks: Is it Worth the Effort?"

"Because of Families"

Bringing our Families Closer Together and Closer to God

What are the benefits of participating in organized religion? 

There are so many advantages to participating in organized religion.  Having a weekly outlet to be nourished with others by the Spirit is a great mood booster.  You know the saying too- happy wife, happy life.  Actively participating in your faith is a way to gain a better understanding of your life and the direction that you are going in.  Attending church on a weekly basis with your whole family establishes unity and togetherness.  You know each week that you will be able to have this set amount of time together.  

Another benefit of attending church and increasing faith in your family life is that it helps you in times of hardship.  No families are perfect and we all have struggles; sometimes terrible ones.  Going to church on a regular basis together though helps you keep a better attitude during trials.  Not only a better attitude, but each family member is developing a closer relationship to Heavenly Father.  

Your church is also an additional support system.  Hopefully you are developing friendships that strengthen and uplift you, and are also there for you in times for trouble.  The social aspect of church is highly appealing to many people.  It's a way to get to know others who have the same beliefs as you.  While this is a great benefit, don't let it be the sole reason that you are participating in religious activities.  Developing a greater faith in the Lord and the plan that He has for all of us, and partaking of the Sacrament is the most important reason to attend church on a regular basis.  Attending church with your spouse is also a way to grow closer together.  Many of the messages that we hear at church can be brought back to our family life and ways in which we can improve our relationships with our children and our spouse.       

While participating at church is a great way for both individuals and the family unit to strengthen their testimonies it certainly is not the only religious practice that we should be participating in.  Family prayer is essential to happiness in my life.  Not only should we pray in private with our spouse, but we should also pray all together as a family.  This invites the Spirit into our homes and increases the love that we have towards one another.  Praying together can decrease contention in the household, promote optimism and charity, and even facilitate empathy towards one another.

How does participating in religious activities affect our children? 

Actively participating in religious activities with our children can strengthen the bond that we have with them.  Don't think that this simply means reading the scriptures, talking with our children about gospel principles and applying them to our lives will bring closeness between you.  Hawkins said, "Kind, loving behavior by parents seems to facilitate the ability of a child to conceive of (and believe in) a loving God, while hostile parental practices seem to dispel a child's faith in a benevolent supreme being".  This is such powerful statement because not only are children affected by the relationship that we have with them but really all our actions.  Our attitude affects our ability to teach our children about Heavenly Father and the love that He has for them.  When we are happy to share our testimonies with them not only through our words, but through our example as well, we are planting seeds in them to develop their own faith in God.  

There have also been many studies done that adults who participate in religious activities have more happiness in family life, better health, better financial stability, and more stability in their marriage.  All of these categories greatly effect the happiness and well-being of a child.  Have you ever been in a home where it is clear that there is contention between spouses over for example, finances?  Take a look at the children if they are around and you will gain a better understanding of how this affects them simply from their body language.  A home that is founded on saving principles such as forgiveness, repentance, and prayer is one that will have less contention; or at least it will be more manageable.  

Children themselves who are active in their church tend to be better off socially as well.  They are also less likely to drop out of high school, have premarital sex, or be involved with drugs and alcohol.  The benefits don't just stop when they are done with childhood though.  Adults who attend church when they were younger tended to have graduated from college, be productive members of society, and better off financially.  

In a study done by sociologist John Bartkowski from Mississippi State University participated in a study of 16,000 children to determine how religious upbringing affected their obedience and behavior at school.  The results concluded that children of parents who attended church tend to be better behaved, adjusted, and socially developed.  Bartkowski also gave three reasons why religion is good for children.  The article said, "First, religious networks provide social support to parents, he said, and this can improve their parenting skills. Children who are brought into such networks and hear parental messages reinforced by other adults may also “take more to heart the messages that they get in the home".  Secondly, the types of values and norms that circulate in religious congregations tend to be self-sacrificing and pro-family, Bartkowski told LiveScience. he said that these “could be very, very important in shaping how parents relate to their kids, and then how children develop in response,”  Finally, religious organizations imbue parenting with sacred meaning and significance".  

Church can be really hard to attend with young kids, any tips? 

I completely understand that it can be difficult to attend church with babies and young children.  I'm amazed at the women in my ward who are able to wrangle five kids while her husband sits up in the Bishopric.  I'm right there with a lot of young mom's who spend more time in the hallway chasing after a baby then actually sitting down in the chapel.  Below are a few tips that I have gathered that might help make the time a church more enjoyable for both parents and children.  

1. Go every week.  Make it a habit that this is what we do and sit down to talk with them about why we go to church.  
2. Make a "Sunday Bag".  This is a small bag that has toys, books, and activities that we only use at church.  This will help to keep them occupied when they need to be quiet.  
3. When your children are old enough to understand the concept that we are quiet at church and do not run around the hallways, don't make it a habit to take them out.  Hold them accountable to staying for X amount of time.  Disclaimer: this will not work for babies!  They are not emotionally developed to understand that they need to be quiet.  Don't fight them. 
4. Don't run out the door the minute they make a peep.  The majority of people understand that it's hard for children and babies to be quiet.  However, if they are screaming bloody murder you're going to want to high tail it out of their so others can enjoy the meeting.  
5. Don't stress out- they feed off of your energy.  This is a lot easier said then done, but remember that they won't be little forever and it will pass.  It will take a long time, but eventually you will be able to sit down the entire hour of Sacrament.  

Personal Application 

I'm really grateful for the knowledge that I have gained while writing this post.  I realize that we need to make a better effort to stay at Church the whole time.  Another thing that I want to start doing is trading with Ben who takes Brynlee.  Most of the time she is really good, she just loves to try to walk around and get all up in everyone's space.  I think that taking turns so I can actually listen to the lesson in Relief Society will be a huge benefit to me.  One thing that I want to share is the awesome mother that I have.  She took us to church when we were little, and when we started investigating the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons, LDS) she really encouraged us to go.  Now that I have a family of my own I want to make sure that I do the same thing.  However her encouragement doesn't stop there.  My mom has a wonderful testimony of the gospel and the happiness that it can bring to people.  My sister isn't a member of the church but she is awesome enough to let my mom take my niece quite often.  I know that if my niece continues to go to church and understandings the principles that she is being taught it will really help her throughout her life to make the right choices.  

Scripture Reference

Deuteronomy 6:4-7

4. Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God is bone Lord:

5. And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.

6. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart:

7. And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

As parents it is our responsibility to teach our children gospel principles that will bless them and help them.  Not only should we be teachign with our words, but by our examples.  Oftentimes are example is louder than our words.  By making every effort to teach and live the commandments we will see our families be blessed. This does not mean that we won't have trials, because we will, but we have the opportunity to learn from them and to use those trials to bring our family closer together.  The only thing that truley matters in this life is the happiness of our families, and it's up to us to do everything in our power to achieve it.  

Sources

• Why Religion Matter Even More: The Impact of Religious Practice on Social Stability
• The Effects of Religious Beliefs in Marriage and Family
• The Benefits of Marriage and Religion in the United States: A Comprehensive Analysis
• Religion Linked to Stronger Family Relationships
• A Wise Investment: Families Spending Time Together
• Religion Is Good for Kids
• 10 Tips for Going to Church with Your Family
• Toddler Management 101: Church Meetings
• Successful Marriages and Families (Ch. 18)- Hawkins 

Effective Parenting Practices

Parenting is hard- no one can deny that!  But there are also a variety of aspects that we as parents can control that effect how hard parenting has to be.  These include parenting styles, parenting practices, and even applying gospel principles to parenting.

What are the different parenting styles? 

There are four distinct parenting styles and within them are levels of severity or extremes.  

• Permissive- These parents are usually very lenient and do not demand much from their children.  They take kind of a hands off approach to parenting and believe that the children can regulate their own behavior.  Researches have said that "Children who have permissive parents are likely to be involved in problem behavior".  
• Authoritarian- These are parents who are extremely demanding of there children and discipline harshly.  Rules are strictly implemented but there is no explanation given to the children.  While the environment is really structured there is not much emotional warmth given to children. It is said that "Children who come from Authoritarian homes tend to perform moderately in school and not to be involved in problem behavior. But these children also have poor social skills, low self esteem and high levels of depression".  
• Authoritative- These parents find a balance between being demanding and responsive.  They have structure and expectations for their children, but they also explain rules and express love towards them.  When disciplining children they do not demean them, but rather seek understanding and explanation for the behavior as well as consequences.  Studies have shown that "Children from authoritative homes are likely to do well in school and to be socially and vocationally competent with high self esteem and low rates of depression". 
  
• Uninvolved- These parents often reject or neglect their children in pursuit of their own desires.  They do not discipline or show love and affection towards their children.  Researches have said that "Children who come from a home with uninvolved parents tend not to do well in school, to be involved in problem behavior, to have poor social skills, low self esteem and to be subject to depression". 
  

What is the best parenting style? 

There still seems to be a debate going on over this, but to me it's clear that authoritative parenting is typically the most successful.  Authoritative parents seek to nurture, guide, and teach their children.  In my opinion it's the closest way to which Heavenly Father teaches us.  That is not to say that sometimes harsh discipline isn't necessary.  You would never want your child to endanger their life or the life of someone else.  I do believe though it's our parenting practices that lead up to a child getting themselves into that much trouble that they would need severe discipline.  Another benefit of authoritative parenting is that they hold high expectations or standards for their children.  They instill in their children a sense of pride or self-worth through positive reinforcement.  Authoritative parents also seek to listen to their children and encourages children to discuss their options.  Children of authoritative parents are less likely to drop out of school, participate in risky behavior, or be involved with drugs or alcohol.  They also tend to have a high self-esteem, good social skills, and have good self-control.  

What are parenting practices? 

We hear this word a lot, but surprisingly many people do not understand what it means.  Parenting practices refers to specific actions that parent take that effect their children.  For example, implementing a bedtime, how they discipline, or even things such as reading books with them.  This daily activities make up the majority of how we parent on children.  As parents literally everything we do throughout the day can be seen as a parenting practices; because let's face it, everything we do really does effect our children.  

What are some good parenting practices? 

This is a list that was featured in a Scientific American Journal. 

1) Love and affection. You support and accept the child, are physically affectionate, and spend quality one-on-one time together.

2. Stress management. You take steps to reduce stress for yourself and your child, practice relaxation techniques and promote positive interpretations of events.

3. Relationship skills. You maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse, significant other or co-parent and model effective relationship skills with other people.

4. Autonomy and independence. You treat your child with respect and encourage him or her to become self-sufficient and self-reliant.

5. Education and learning. You promote and model learning and open-mindedness for your child.

6. Life skills. You provide for your child, have a steady income and plan for the future.

7. Behavior management. You make extensive use of positive reinforcement and punish only when other methods of managing

behavior have failed.

8. Health. You model a healthy lifestyle and good habits, such as regular exercise and proper nutrition, for your child.

9. Religion. You support spiritual or religious development and participate in spiritual or religious activities.

10. Safety. You take precautions to protect your child and maintain awareness of the child’s activities and friends.    

How does this apply to gospel principles? 

We learn in The Family Proclamation that all parents have the responsibility to teach, love, guide, and even discipline their children.  We can't expect any social institution to take care of that for us.  No matter how much is taught at school, church, or activities it's a parents responsibility to ensure that their children know right from wrong and act accordingly.  Yes, children do have their own agency and that will be accounted for; but we as parents need to make sure that we are doing everything in our power to effectively teach our children.  If you take a look at some of the parenting practices listed above you will see that none of them are gender specific.  Parents should be equal partners in raising their children.  It is not fair to say that sense a husband earns the income he is free from parenting duties at home.  In turn it's not fair to say that a women should not be an active participant in their family finances because she works inside the home.  The Family Proclamation says, "In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners".  Together you brought these children into the world and together you will need to raise them.  The Family Proclamation also says, "We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God".  This is a very serious sentence right here.  We are specifically told that abuse in any form, verbal, psychological, emotional, physical, or sexual; will never be tolerated by the Lord.        

Personal Application 

I feel like I really learned a lot this week about how I need to parent.  At first when I was reading many of these articles it was all really specific to raising children and teenagers; there wasn't a whole lot about infants.  I then came across the article called "Parenting Practices that Shape the Lives of Young Children".  I finally hit the gold mine! After reading this article I was really happy to see that many of these things we already do.  I've made a point to have Brynlee set to a fairly structured routine.  Honestly though, we lucked out because this little girl has stuck to it like clock work.  We've had to make adjustments to meals, naptimes, and bedtimes as she has gotten older, but because she has always had a routine it's been a fairly easy transition.  The article talked about the importance of families eating meals together.  We really make an honest effort to do this most days of the week, and it's always at the dinner table.  However, I would like to see us improve on having the same time every night.  I would also really like to make sure that I sit down with Brynlee for lunch and breakfast and eat when she is eating.  I think it's a bonding time that I have somewhat neglected.  Second, it said that 27% of children do not have a set bedtime.  We have usually been a stickler for this at 9 o'clock.  The trick is to put them down before they get cranky.  I would like to improve on our bedtime routine though.  Such as adding in some stories, songs, and family prayer.  It was also talked about how only 37% of children were read to on a daily basis!  This is crazy to me, we read probably at least an hour a day (I'm interested now, so I'm definitely going to time it on Monday).  Not only do I love reading out loud to Brynlee- but it's clear that she enjoys it as well.  She loves books and has no problem with going and getting one for herself to look at.  Another thing that this article talked about was the amount of television that children view.  It says, "The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no television viewing for children under two years, and less then 3 hours per day of children two years and older".  While Brynlee is a baby and doesn't watch any TV right now, this is definitely something that I will want to remember as she gets older.         

Scripture Reference

Ephesians 6:4

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

How wonderful of a verse is this.  We are clearly taught by the Lord that we need to bring them up in nurture and admonition.  Admonition means counsel or warning.  As parents we should look at every interaction with our children as a teaching opportunity.  Offering them guidance, direction, and specifically love will help them grow into mature sons and daughters of God.  We should not act out in anger against our children but rather counsel and guide them with a firm yet loving hand; similar to Heavenly Father.    

Sources 

• 10 Most Effective Parenting Practices
• Parenting Practices that Shape the Lives of Young Children
• Parent to Parent: Good Parenting Practices
• Courageous Parenting
• The Greatest Challenge in the World: Good Parenting
• Success Marriages and Families (Ch. 11)- Hawkins

Successful Parenting with Love and Limits

What are limits and consequences? 

When referring to limits we are talking about the behaviors and actions of your child that are appropriate.  For example, if your child was helping you grocery shop and staying next to the cart then they would be following your limits.  If your child was screaming in the store and pulling everything off the shelves then that behavior would not be within your limits. 

The thing that you have to make sure you do though is discuss with your child what the limits are.  You can't expect a child to just know something if you don't teach them first.  Sit down with your children on a regular basis to discuss their behavior.  This involves what they are doing well as well as what they need to improve in.  Ask them what kind of behavior they would like to see from you as well.  You will be surprised to hear what your children might say if you just ask them.  

Consequences refers to the something that is a result of a certain behavior or attitude.  These can be both positive or negative.  The thing to remember is that you want the consequence to be in the same category or level of the behavior.  Disciplining to harshly will make the child feel bad about themselves and want help them learn from their action.  A consequence that is to light, will also not teach the child that their behavior is inappropriate.  You have to find a balance.  

Why are limits important? 

In Successful Marriages and Families Hawkins says, "just as the rod  is used to gently nudge sheep away from dangerous places, setting limits around potentially harmful influences (for example, inappropriate media and early dating) helps children feel sager and more secure.  Keeping our children safe and out of harms way is one of the greatest responsibilities of parents.  By setting limits effectively we can help them stay safe and know that they are loved.  Setting limits needs to be combined with empathy.  You don't want to bully or coerce your child into doing what you want.  You instead should correct their behavior in a loving manner.  

Limits and consequences provide the necessary structure that children need in their lives in order to develop properly into adults.  Limits teach children self-control and that they are responsible for their own actions.  

What can I do to improve setting limits and following through with consequences? 

First, you need to have the ability to tell your child 'No', and explain why.  Simply saying no, will often just get you a million questions about why not.  Communicate clearly the first time so that there is no misunderstandings.  

Second, prepare your child ahead of time.  If you know that you are going to go to the grocery store in the middle of snack time, bring something for them to munch on.  Explain to them that we aren't getting any snacks to eat right than, but they can bring something from home.    

Third, when you need to correct your child don't be intimidating.  Hovering over them, shouting, or making threatening gestures is counterproductive to teaching them.  It helps to get down to their level and to look at them in the eye.  Watch your facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice.  

Personal Application 

As a new mom everything is a learning experience for me.  I have learned that there is a find line in which you can set limits for a baby.  The most important thing that an infant can get is love from their parents.  Displaying love to your child is how they develop a good attachment with their parent, which will benefit them in all other areas of their lives as they mature.  When dealing with an infant I have learned that you have to remember that they don't really know anything.  It's your responsibility to gently teach them.  For example, our daughter really likes outlets.  It's not safe for her to play with them though, even with a cover on.  So when she goes over to the outlet I look at her and say no.  Sometimes she listens, but other times I need to go and pick her up and give her another toy to play with.  Even though she is only 10 months old I can still set limits for her.

I really believe that children need limits and consequences.  However, it's important that we don't look at consequences as simply a form of punishment.  I want to show my children that consequences can be positive.  Say you call your child in to ask them to set the table for dinner.  After they have done it make sure that you acknowledge how great they did and how much you appreciate it and their good attitude.  Making this a frequent part of your routine will not only show your children how much they are valued and worth, but it will also encourage to make the right choices as they get older.  

I have noticed as my short time as a mom that it's really important to parameters of what kind of behavior is appropriate and inappropriate.  This means that we need to correct in the negative behavior and praise and reward the positive behavior. 

Scripture Reference  

D&C 121:41-43

41  No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

42  By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

43  Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.

I don't think that there is a better verse in any of the scriptures to describe how we should parent our children.  There have been many studies that have addressed that the best form of parenting style is authoritative.  This means that we have expectations of our children and clear guidelines.  There are also consequences for all actions.  However, authoritative parents find a balance when disciplining their children with being firm and nurturing.  

As parents we have a sacred responsibility to not only love our children, but to teach them and guide them.  Their is no other institution that can take place of what parents can provide for their children's emotional and mental needs.  Children are like flowers; they thrive in light, happiness, and a positive environment.  If they are surrounded by darkness or anger they will not flourish and their self-esteem will wilt.      

Sources

• Setting Limits & Standing Firm
• Love, Limits, & Empathy
• Parenting with Love and Logical Consequences
• Parents Have a Sacred Duty
• How to Set Effective Limits for Your Child
• Successful Marriages and Families (Ch. 10)- Hawkins 

The Value of Mothers

Brynlee and I- July 2012

Why are mothers important? 

Let me start off by saying that nothing I write, can answer this question to the level that it deserves.  You simply can't understand the importance of motherhood until you have a child of your own.  This may be blunt, but it's true.  You can come to a better understanding of motherhood by recognizing the sacrifice and love that your own mother has for you.  Take a moment to think about the top five reasons you love your mother.  You got them?  Okay, now that a moment to think about the 10 reasons your mother loves you.  Women have innate characteristics that allow us to be exceedingly loving and nurturing towards children.  While these characteristics are things that you are born with, they don't always show right away.  Skills such as teaching, listening, disciplining, and patience aren't developed over time.  This is why mothers are so important!  I will say this probably a dozen times throughout this post, but there is no job where we give more of ourselves then motherhood.  Mothers bring joy, life, love, discipline, and structure to a household in a different way then fathers.  

How can I be a better mother? 

This is another hard question to answer- no matter how awesome of a momma you may be, there is always room for improvement.  Remember though that nobody is perfect, "motherhood is the ideal opportunity for lifelong learning".  We learn from our success and our failures.  Don't beat yourself up if you don't have the best brownies at the bake sale, or aren't able to enroll your child in gymnastics, Italian lessons, and piano all at one time.  

Start with small goals.  First, go through a week and write down areas of improvement that come to your mind maybe things like patience, discipline, playing together, story time, outside fun, and scripture study/prayer.  Once you have a list just pick one item that you want to work on for next week.  Second, make an action plan for what you want to accomplish.  So, if your goal is to improve your family scripture study and prayer start by making a set time and place where this will happen.  Make a small poster and put in on your fridge.  You could even make a chart that will say the scripture that you will be studying.  This allows for children who are old enough to search it out for themselves prepare to the family study.  After you have completed a week of this goal evaluate how you have done; where did you improve and what still needs to be fine tuned.  Then go back to your original list and pick a second one.  Now, here's the tricky part.  Even though you are starting a new goal, you still need to be working on the previous one's.  This get's easier with time.   Let's be honest, one week isn't going to get anyone into the habit of anything!  

Personal Application 

Before I had Brynlee I don't think I could comprehend the love that I could have for my children.  Of course I thought I would love them unconditionally, but I don't think I realized the magnitude of that love and how it would change me as an individual.

One thing that struck me as being really important throughout this week was understanding the fact that even though I love Brynlee with every part of my heart there is someone who loves her even more than me; Heavenly Father.  God has entrusted me to take care, love, and teach His precious child.  How great of an responsibility is that!  There isn't a better or more important job that I can do then be a great mother to my daughter and example to my children.  During our group discussion it was mentioned that when we have children we are making a covenant, or promise, to the Lord that we would raise them in accordance with His commandments.  Through modern day revelation we have been blessed with specific counsel to the rearing of children and the running of our families.  Please take a moment to read The Family: A Proclamation to the World and gain a better understanding of the blessings of family life, as well as what we can do to be better husbands, wives, mothers, and fathers.  

I'm not going to sugar-coat it; motherhood can be hard.  It is the hardest and most rewarding thing that I have ever done in my life.  I can only imagine how much more fun it will be (along with the trials) as we add more little spirits to our family.  I thank Heavenly Father everyday for allowing me to raise this sweet baby and for providing us with guidance in areas in which we can improve.  

Lastly, I would like to take a moment to touch on a phrase that has bothered me- "I'm just a mom".  When people ask what I do I will always proudly say that I am a mother.  That is my first and foremost job on this earth.  No material success can take the place of a happy home where there is guidance, love, and respect.  Let's all try to develop a better sense of worth in our motherhood.  For those of you who aren't yet mothers, take a moment to evaluate where you are in life and what your goals our.  You can't ever be completely prepare for parenthood, but you can begin yourself spiritually, physically, and emotional to one day be a mother.  

Scripture Reference

Alma 57:21

Yea, and they did obey and observe to perform every word of command with exactness; yea, and even according to their faith it was done unto them; and I did remember the words which they said unto me that their mothers had taught them.

The value of motherhood is beyond measurable.  Think about it, for every great president, scientist, teacher, humanitarian, and mother, there is a mother who stood beside them to support them.  The impact that mother's have on their children can be either an uplifting or devastating one.  The power of our actions, words, and even thoughts impact the lives of our children.  They look at us everyday of their lives while they are growing up and see the things we do and the words we say.  We can either us our influence for good or for bad.  We need to be mindful of the things that we say, even when we think that our children aren't listening.  The influence of a loving and nurturing mother can break down barriers to communication, heal broken hearts, and unite families forever.  

Sources

• "Today's Family: The Eternal Role of Mothers"
• "The Importance of Motherhood Among Women in the Contemporary United States"
• "Successful Marriage and Families" (Ch. 2)- Hawkins
• "The Sacred Responsibilities of Parenthood"
• Dr. Laura's "In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms"
• "Your Greatest Challenge"- President Hinckley

The Importance of Dating and Choosing Your Spouse

Picture from our first date (left) and our wedding day (right) 

Let's talk about dating!  This is something that (mostly) everyone loves to do.  It's important though that while you are dating you keep your standards high.

Why should we date?

Dating is beneficial for a variety of reasons.  First and foremost you will never find your eternal companion (your spouse) if you don't even date them.  Another benefit of dating is that you meet new people and even get to know yourself better.  By casually dating people you learn what you like in a partner and what you don't.  It's okay to shop around for qualities that you like.  However, this doesn't happen if you are simply hanging out.  If your hanging out, your friends not dating.  It's as simple as that.  Dating involves plans.  This is another benefit of dating, have fun with someone and even developing new interests.  Dating should be a fun experience!  

How can I prepare to date someone?

It's important to understand that there are qualities that you should want in spouse that should be evident when you are dating them.  Such things as a positive attitude, confidence, a smile, clean language, respect, testimony, and a well kept appearance are important characteristics to see in someone who you are dating.  That being said, don't expect to date anyone that has these characteristics that you don't!  You need to prepare yourself to be a quality person to date.  If you want someone with a strong testimony, then get on your knees and find one yourself.  If you want someone who takes care of their body, then you need to hit the gym as well.  

What is some of the best advice about dating from modern day prophets and apostles? 

• President Monson- "I would admonish you to maintain an eternal perspective. Make certain that the marriage in your future is a temple marriage. There is no scene so sweet, no time so sacred as that very special day of your marriage. Then and there you glimpse celestial joy. Be alert; do not permit temptation to rob you of this blessing".
• President Packer- "How foolish is the youth who feels that the Church is a fence around love to keep him out. Oh, youth, if you could know! The requirements of the Church are the highway to love and to happiness, with guardrails securely in place, with guideposts plainly marked, and with help along the way.  How unfortunate to resent counsel and restraint. How fortunate are you who follow the standards of the Church, even if just from sheer obedience or habit. You will find a rapture and a joy fulfilled".
• President Monson- "Be careful to go to places where there is a good environment, where you won’t be faced with temptation...Because sexual intimacy is so sacred, the Lord requires self-control and purity before marriage, as well as full fidelity after marriage. In dating, treat your date with respect, and expect your date to show that same respect for you".
• President Hinckley- "It is better, my friends, to date a variety of companions until you are ready to marry. Have a wonderful time, but stay away from familiarity. Keep your hands to yourself. It may not be easy, but it is possible". 
• President Oaks- "Simple and more frequent dates allow both men and women to ‘shop around’ in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects. The old-fashioned date was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. It encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship. None of that happens in hanging out". 

We're married now, so do I even need to date? 

Dating is not strictly for people who aren't married yet.  In order keep the light burning in your marriage and not let that flame dim out you need to take time to date your spouse.  I understand that people work, go to school, and have children, but I admittedly believe that these are not valid excuses to neglect dating in your marriage.  Plan out your date nights in advance so that there are no distractions.  Always (and this is a big one), DON'T DO THE SAME THING EVERY DATE.  This is a really common mistake that couples make, and I have to admit that have struggled with this one.  It's comfortable to go to dinner and a movie, but you need to try and see new things with your spouse.  To avoid getting stuck in a rut look for things in your community that are happening such as plays,concerts, or even...a marathon!      

Personal Application 

Our Timeline

• Ben and I met in January of 2009 through a mutual friend.    

• We were just friends for a few months and then the stars finally aligned and we starting dating in March 2009.

• We got engaged and in July 2009 at the Salt Lake City LDS temple.

• Married in April 2010 in the Salt Lake City LDS temple. 

As you can see we moved pretty fast! While we were dating and engaged we really utilized our time together to get to know each other better.  We tried very hard to actively go on dates and to not simply hang out.  When I look back on it though, I realize know that we should have tried harder.  By having planned activities you are ensuring yourself that you will be doing something which can help you avoid getting into bad situations.

We've also learned through our almost three years of marriage that you need to continue dating each other.  Having these planned dates allows you to focus on just each other and tend to your partners needs.  As we've had a baby I can tell you that dating your spouse is extremely hard in the beginning.  With lack of energy, lack of sleep, and um...lack of showers (sometimes), it's easy to put dating on the back burner and simply try to survive.  In order to nurture your marriage you have to show your spouse that you care about them.  Finding a trusted babysitter and taking a couple of hours for yourself will greatly improve your communication with each other and strengthen your love for one another.  

Me and Ben sat down and talked about some of our favorite dates we went on when we were dating:

• Swing dancing 

• School sponsored dances

• Dessert contests  

• Clay pigeon shooting 

• Going to the temple together 

• Concerts

• Bike rides 

• Ultimate frizbee 

Our favorite dates after we got married:

• Cross country skiing

• Exploring Jackson Hole, WY

• Going to the temple together 

• Working out together 

• Cheap dinner and movie dates 

• Museums 

• Aquariums  

Scripture Reference 

D&C 87:8

Wherefore, stand ye in holy places, and be not moved, until the day of the Lord come; for behold, it cometh quickly, saith the Lord. Amen.

You probably asking yourself: What does this scripture have to do with dating and finding my eternal companion?  Well, the answer is everything!  While you are dating you no doubt will face decisions that you have to make that will affect your future.  Choosing to engage in sexual intimacy before you are married can be devastating to your relationship and also your relationship with God.  In the LDS church we have been commanded to obey the law of chastity.  This means that you will not engage in sexual activity before you are married.  By committing to standing in holy places and keeping yourself pure from sin you are keeping the covenants that you have made at baptism.  Even if you aren't LDS, abstaining from these inappropriate relationships is beneficial to your relationship.  It shows that you are committed to your standards, faith, and personal convictions.  When you are dating avoid putting yourself in situations or an environment in which it could be possible to compromise your standards.  

My Sources

• "Dating Versus Hanging Out"- Elder Oaks
• "Successful Marriages and Families" (Ch. 2)- Hawkins
• Dating Your Spouse Is Important
• A Survey of Dating and Marriage at BYU  
• Dating Advice from Prophets and Apostles
• What Makes a Person Datable?

Family Councils: A Heavenly Patter

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One thing that my family never did growing up was holding a family meeting.  I'd like to think that if we had done this a lot of problems and issues would have been avoided.  This is something that my husband and I want to get better at doing and make it a regular habit.  Here's some information about holding your own family meeting.

Why should we have one? 
Each family member has responsibilities and roles in the house.  No one job is more important than the other.  In The Family: A Proclamation to the World it says, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners".  There are two aspects I would like to speak about.
First, father are to "preside over their families in love and righteousness".  This doesn't mean that they are the one's who make all of the decisions.  Having a family counsel allows both husband and wife to discuss how they are both making decisions together.  It is also a great way of coming to an agreement on issues that need to be discussed. 
Second, "father and mother are obligated to help one another as equal partners".  In Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins says that "equality is all too often used to mean "identity; that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other".  Husbands and wives should be equal in their responsibilities even though their responsibilities are different.  Understanding each other's roles and responsibilities both outside and inside the home are things that should be discussed in a family counsel.  
So many disagreements and arguments occur because there are so many miscommunications over each others responsibilities.  Sitting down and discussing what is expect of each other and how to help and support one another is an important part of family counsels.   

When should we have it? 

• Ideally once a week 
• Find a set time and day that works best for everyone in your family and stick to it.  
• Have it enough that it is means something, but not to much that it looses it's importance.  Find the balance.
• Try to keep the meeting around 30 minutes for young kids.  If you need more time that's okay.  This time will vary with the age of the individuals participating and the things that need to be discussed.  

How should we start the meeting? 

• Begin with a prayer and a short scripture.  This will invite the Spirit into your discussion.  Make Heavenly Father apart of your routine to start off on the right foot.
• Go around and have each person share a positive thing about each family member.  This may take some time, but it is worth it!  Taking the time to show your appreciation will put people in good spirits, and be remembered throughout the council.
• Review your family mission statement.  This should be a short paragraph of what your family goals and purpose is.  

What should we do during the meeting? 

•   Each member of the family will be given two goals.  One physical goal- such as completing chores and one personal goal- such as attitude.  They will share how they plan to succeed.  The other members of the family should hold that person accountable for their goals and encourage them to succeed.  This doesn't mean policing someone's every move, but rather checking up on them and seeing how they are doing and what they need help with. 
• Go over the responsibilities of each member of the family.  If you have a rewards system make sure that this is addressed as well.  
• Take time to allow every family member to express any issue that might be bother them.  Discuss it together what can be done.  This sometimes can cause a little friction so make sure that one person speaks at a time and that there is open communication.
• At the end of every meeting each family member will address how they did with their weekly goals.  Were did they succeed and where do they need improvement.  

How should we end the meeting? 

• End on a positive note!  Either a funny story, joke, or our favorite a YouTube clip.  
• Close with a prayer asking for help in areas and acknowledging blessings.  

Personal Application:

·         One thing that I thought was really helpful is that we planned to have this council.  It was just at the drop of the hat, rather both of us had a day to think about things that we might want to discuss.  This allowed us to focus on the important things, and not just meaningless disagreements. 

·         Another thing that I liked was how all family members should participate.  We only have one little girl who is almost 10 months, but she was right there with us.  It actually kind of lightened the mood a little bit and kept us in a positive attitude.  Lastly, I really liked how it was an open conversation and both of us were able to express our thoughts.  We were discussing whether or not we should move to a cheaper apartment when our contract was up.  My husband doesn't want to move, and I do.  After this council we decided that we still have plenty of time to discuss the matter before we have to make up our minds and we will just continue to pray about it and know when the time is right. 

·         Even though we didn't really come up with an answer to our decision, it helped us both get on the same page of where the other person was coming from.  Discussing this in a formal setting gave us a greater appreciation for each other and allowed us to recognize that we really do value the other person’s opinions and thoughts.  

Scripture Reference: 

D&C 88:119-120

Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;

That your incomings may be in the name of the Lord; that your outgoings may be in the name of the Lord; that all your salutations may be in the name of the Lord, with uplifted hands unto the Most High.

The principles in this verse are a lot easier said then done!  However, when we have our affairs in order at our home our life will run more smoothly.  This doesn't mean that we won't have stress or problems at times, but rather the family has built up a strong defense against them.  By setting goals together as a family and making your home a sacred  shelter you are creating a place in which the Spirit can reside.  

My Sources: 

• Family Councils: A Heavenly Pattern
• How to Hold a Family Council
• Family Meetings Tutorial Video